There is Nothing Like a Nurse was the tenth episode of Season 3 of the CBS-TV series M*A*S*H, also the 58th overall series episode. Written by Larry Gelbart, and directed by Hy Averback, it first aired on November 19, 1974.
Synopsis[]
After a run-in with Major Houlihan, Henry is not altogether unhappy when the nurses are evacuated due to a possible enemy attack, but soon finds out with rest of the camp just how much the nurses mean to the unit.
Full episode summary[]
Nurse Baker gets a little sassy with Frank, so he bellows for Margaret to discipline her. Margaret meets with Henry and wants him to approve one month bed arrest for Baker. Henry tells Margaret he's fed up listening to the constant squabbles between the major and her nurses, prompting Margaret to give him a good tongue lashing (seen in extreme close-up) before storming off.
The wandering minstrel, Captain Spalding, is back, and he sings a song with Trapper and Hawkeye providing surprisingly smooth backing vocals. The three of them are alarmed to see the nurses’ gear being packed on a truck. Radar informs them the nurses and wounded are being evacuated to a field hospital because an enemy paratroop drop is expected.
Hawkeye and Trapper get in a last grope with their favorite nurses while Frank gives Margaret the gift any woman would be proud to own: an envelope of his hair clippings. Frank tells her they were meant for his mother, but he wants Margaret to have them so she can run her fingers through it in case he gets captured or killed.
The nurses depart by truck, but not before Hawkeye gives Margaret a long kiss goodbye. Klinger tries to stow away on the truck in a mail sack, but he falls off as the truck lurches away. He later gets whistles and catcalls when he brings Captain Spalding his guitar in the O-Club. The men drown their sorrows at the O-Club as Spalding serenades them with a maudlin tune about the nurses (after spending the first part of the scene standing on his head "until the nurses come back" - Frank orders him down). Trapper mentions there is a reel of film under Frank's bunk containing the only pictures in camp they haven't seen.
Frank pesters Radar to call the 44th to make sure Margaret (and the other nurses) arrived safely (they did) when another batch of wounded arrive. It becomes a very interesting session, as the nurses are replaced by various unqualified (and at times, incompetent) assorted male personnel.
Later, Frank calls Margaret at the field hospital, already jealous she might have found another lover. He dementedly tells Margaret if she took another lover, he'd kill both of them and then himself, which Margaret bizarrely finds life-fulfilling. After discovering Hawkeye and Trapper are listening to their conversation on the other line, Frank chases them outside but falls in one of the foxholes he had dug in preparation for the paratroop assault. The captains trap Frank by parking a jeep over the foxhole, then proceed to nab his stashed film.
A viewing party is organized in Henry's office, with Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar, and even Klinger in attendance. The film is Frank and Louise's wedding, and there is no shortage of wisecracks made at Frank's expense. A very nervous and clumsy Frank ties the knot with a sullen, sour, and bespectacled Louise, who looks like she's being led to the gas chambers. Henry says he feels sorry for Frank, who barges into the office screaming an air raid is occurring.
The air raid is Five O’Clock Charlie who drops leaflets urging the Americans to surrender. With no attack imminent, the nurses are recalled, the masses celebrate, and Spalding leads a sing-a-long through the camp (leaving the Swamp as they start singing, and re-entering it as the song ends) (the sing-a-long appears as an "epilogue" scene and is usually cut from syndicated airings).
Research notes/Fun facts[]
- This is one of only two of the many Lieutenant Baker characters (not necessarily the same person) to be given a first name - in this case, Janet.
- Despite her prominent role in the plot and the number of lines she has, Lieutenant Janet Baker is not credited specifically. One possibility is Barbara Benson who, according to IMDB, plays an uncredited as "O.R. Nurse".
- Some Internet resources mention Bobbie Mitchell as Baker, but this is incorrect, as Bobbie Mitchell is specifically credited as Nurse Able. In any case, Mitchell's very distinctive voice sounds much different from the voice of Nurse Baker.
- Before the nurses leave, Able and Hawkeye are making out in the supply tent when she reminds Hawkeye that he's married. Hawkeye asks her "Who says I'm married?" and she replies "You did." - a possible reference to his claim in "Ceasefire" in order to get out of relationships he had with multiple nurses.
- Second appearance of Loudon Wainwright III as Captain Calvin Spalding, who sings two songs written by Wainwright. Unlike his first appearance, Spalding also actually gets a few lines of dialogue and gets to interact with the cast.
- As happens frequently in Season 3, the character of Mr. Kwang is referred to in the O.R., this time assisting Trapper. Though the character is never clearly seen and has no lines, he pops up in the credits, played by Leland Sun.
- Very little use of laugh track in this episode, being very sparse or absent until the viewing of Frank's wedding film.
Guests stars/Recurring cast[]
- Jamie Farr as Klinger
- Loudon Wainwright III as Captain Spalding
- William Christopher as Father Mulcahy
- Bobbie Mitchell as Nurse Able
- Jeanne Schulherr as Louise Burns (listed in the credits as "Frank's Bride")
- Leland Sun as Mr. Kwang
Uncredited:
- Barbara M. Benson as O.R. Nurse (according to IMDB)
- Todd Susman as the P.A. announcer, possibly Private Danny Baker (voice)
- Kellye Nakahara as Kellye
- Roy Goldman
- Gwen Farrell